Lately, I've become aware of ways that I have, at times unconsciously, sabotaged myself throughout my life. Coming from a background of early childhood trauma, everything that happens gets filtered through a survival lens. Instead of the beautiful freedom of living to express the uniqueness of who I am and how my talents play into … Continue reading THE BIG PICTURE
Trusting Your Gut; Which Voice Guides You?
So much incredible healing and growth has transpired since my last blog post that it's overwhelming to know what to write. I have allowed that to keep me from writing anything at all, in typical fashion. Recovering from childhood trauma that carried into adult life is not a linear process. Suffering through the pandemic, finding … Continue reading Trusting Your Gut; Which Voice Guides You?
WHEN THERAPY IS RE-TRAUMATIZING
I did not wake up intending to write this today. As a matter of fact, I sat down to write about something completely different that has been begging for release, something much more uplifting, as it deals with the little miracles I have been uncovering in the midst of my trauma recovery. This though... Blindsided. … Continue reading WHEN THERAPY IS RE-TRAUMATIZING
My Cheeky Blues
I am having a struggle today. I hesitate to write about it because in comparison to people I know, (and basically the whole rest of this seemingly Godforsaken world) I have many blessings to count. Matter of fact, I've been counting them all week since Monday when I found out my driver's license was suspended. … Continue reading My Cheeky Blues
The Horse Who Showed Me The Way
I love this artist's simple, gestural drawings and words of inspiration. This particular one has caused me to reflect on the impact that one horse has made in my healing journey. It's no secret that I have a special love for one horse above all others. Ta Sunka Witco came into my life 2 years … Continue reading The Horse Who Showed Me The Way
Looking In The Rear-View Mirror
Something Wicked This Way Comes I found this picture of myself from twelve years ago. It jarred me. I think I recognized something that I was unable to see at that time. ( in addition to wow! talk about a good hair day! ) As a survivor of Complex PTSD I have lived my entire … Continue reading Looking In The Rear-View Mirror
Was As If I Were; Were As If I Was
Are you running from shadows that are not even your own, but instead are being projected onto you from collective negative energies, long past? Where does one even begin to suspect that such a thing is occurring? I feel a divine breakthrough transpired to open my eyes to this because my brain has been at … Continue reading Was As If I Were; Were As If I Was
On Character ; (or, I am A Character)
People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson I watched a documentary called "I AM" which beautifully illustrates the connective nature of all living things, and the power of our capacity as humans, to love, and affect change with that love, as … Continue reading On Character ; (or, I am A Character)
Weary are these bones That click and creak As proof that strength fades And they speak To the warrior inside the maze Softly whispering, "You are the sage; the eternal wisdom in your soul that carried you beyond the body's surrender".
Oh Tiny Deer, We Have All Been Lost Before
Previously published on Medium, December 16, 2017 To be a keeper of things, small, unwanted, largely insignificant, and sometimes broken, is to have reverence for the nostalgia of childish delights. A tiny blue ladder, a doll the size of a thumbnail with a missing leg, an impossibly small pink toothbrush, a weensy pig, all treasures … Continue reading Oh Tiny Deer, We Have All Been Lost Before
A Mental Health Doula?
I have a great business idea that someone needs to create. You know how there are Doulas to help out new mothers? There needs to be such a thing as a mental health Doula who will come to you for a week or two, say around 10-4, and help you to recover after a particularly … Continue reading A Mental Health Doula?
Go Ahead, Underestimate Me
"There are few advantages in life that one can have that are more helpful than to be underestimated." Steve Edwards, Prosecutor, Preservationist,
Writing From The WOMB
The greatest thing about blogging is that there is no pressure. It was the best step for me as a longtime journal writer who never wrote continuously in one at a time, but several. One journal may contain a small period of time, but from beginning to end it can span a decade or more. … Continue reading Writing From The WOMB
Wrapping Up A Decade; Freefalling Into Darkness and Seeing The Light
I had the incredible opportunity to go on a night ride with a couple of friends on Thursday, under the last full moon of this decade occurring at 12:12 on the date of 12:12. It came following a day of intense emotional out cries due to family dysfunction, which I released with the same force … Continue reading Wrapping Up A Decade; Freefalling Into Darkness and Seeing The Light
The Elephant In The Room Is At Your Feet
I found this most delightful treasure while beach combing in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. It was a glorious morning and you can't imagine the joy this brought me. God is said, in the Bible, to know exactly how many hairs are on our head. I don't doubt it. I mean, He IS all-knowing … Continue reading The Elephant In The Room Is At Your Feet
Honey; Weaving A Tapestry of Healing Out of the Threads That Connect the Past to the Present
About twenty three years ago, I worked as a horse trainer apprentice and barn manager at a Quarter Horse farm. I had answered a classified ad in the paper after my job as lead singer in a house band aboard a dinner cruise ship had just ended. I went from dressing fancy six nights a … Continue reading Honey; Weaving A Tapestry of Healing Out of the Threads That Connect the Past to the Present
Confronting My Abuser Before God and All the Patrons at Irwin’s Lunch Counter
"Let's leave Jesus out of this, 'cause me and Jesus are good. "
And he has the gall to ask me if I "really wanna go there?"
Oh yes, I really do, and I just did.
Complex PTSD; Anatomy of a Trigger
I have wanted to talk about triggers, the anatomy of a panic attack, and what that looks like for me as a person living with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, for some time. Having been feeling very optimistic and experiencing a beautiful reprieve that drastically improved my attitude and strength was so blissful that I … Continue reading Complex PTSD; Anatomy of a Trigger
Breath; it is the essence of life, yet such an easy thing to take for granted. I have experienced emotional suffering so intense that it left me gasping for air. The deepest breaths I ever took were in pushing new life into this world, and it is that child who knocks the wind right out … Continue reading The Breakdown
This picture of my daughter and I was sent to me today out of the blue. It is from a photo shoot we did with a photographer friend titled 15/51. I've never seen this image, and it came to me as I was trying to tell someone how joyful I feel. The way it so … Continue reading Unbridled Joy!
Naked In The Grocery Store
Spilling my guts out in near-gritty detail was like going through hard labor and ending up having to get an emergency c-section. I have been recovering ever since. I had a professor in college whose work I loved, and who I enjoyed, partially because of his laid-back yet engaging way of teaching, (Printmaking and Design) … Continue reading Naked In The Grocery Store
The Wheel of Misfortune
I remember the TV commercial jingle that said "You will learn about life when you play the Game of LIFE." Is irony the word I'm looking for here? I'm 52 and still trying to figure out life. Playing the board game, filling up my little car with tiny pink plastic pegs, did nothing to help … Continue reading The Wheel of Misfortune
A Doll and Pony Show
When I was a little girl I was very passionate about two things; horses and dolls. I dreamed of riding the neighbor's pony, Brownie, all by myself through the thicket that lead to the path that would lead to a magical place deep in the woods, called Charles Island (or Childs Island). In that … Continue reading A Doll and Pony Show
I have never not called my mother at midnight on New Years Eve to wish her a Happy New Year. It's our ritual. To my recollection my teen daughter has never not sent a message or a snap chat since she has been spending this time away from me.These days it's nothing but time away. … Continue reading Totaled
Lessons From Squalor Holler
You know what this is? Get ready- beginning with the obvious, it's a dandelion. Just a weed...or is it? There are as many metaphors for weeds as there are ways to answer the question I posed. For instance, one might say this is a picture. Correct. One might say it is a picture of a … Continue reading Lessons From Squalor Holler
Happy Horn o' plenty to ya. Thanksgiving they call it, alleged to be a day of gratitude for life's abundance. Family comes together and blessings are spoken over tables filled with food that will have you over-stuffed or near comatose within the hour. Wanna know how I feel about this day? I HATE IT. I … Continue reading “No Thanks”Giving