I’m not sure if it was the high, tinkling, meloncholic piano music from the Lifetime movie I was watching, or the inevitability of my own sensitivity combined with a sudden, overwhelming recognition of my mortality that caused me such sadness today.
It happened after I spoke with my mother on the phone. She mentioned to me that she is missing her children. Somehow I knew she had been feeling this way.
After hanging up from our conversation I went into my daughter’s room where the gentle afternoon sun streams in so warm and invitingly, and sat on her bed. Suddenly everything I was looking at, her Barbies, a doll changing table, an eight-year old’s hand drawn homemade iPhone, became a tiny Snapshot; an actual visual representation of each moment in time that I was taking these things in and realizing that in the blink of an eye, my little girl will be a teenager, and this life will be a distant memory.
I will be unable to hide the signs of aging that will cause me to re-examine how I see myself.
My mother will be gone.
In those moments I gazed up at a picture of me at age two and thought, ” I was once my mother’s baby”. I felt the pain of the concept that I was losing my baby and simultaneously having empathy and heartache for my mom, and I cried.
I wanted time to stand still so badly that it hurt. Big, fully-grown, middle-aged, and sullen, I wanted to crawl onto my mother’s lap and hear her soothing lullabies to quell my fears. I also wanted my own child in my arms at that very moment too, to hold onto so tightly that I might stop the clock for a small window of time and just stare at her small, yet so tall-self and treasure that tiny snapshot in my mind, forever.
Post Script:
It is July 2,2024.
My daughter is grown with a child of her own.
My mother is gone.
How I treasure this and every other tiny snapshot!
I am so very grateful that even when life felt like a trap I would never find release from, I was still present enough to know how precious these everyday moments were, despite an active campaign to discredit me in any way possible.
I have indeed re-examined how I see myself. I am a warrior Queen who has healed despite a lifetime of opposition and defense, showing my age mostly in the silver crown of glory I have chosen to relinquish for blonde. I am in the best shape of my life, mind, body, and spirit.
They aimed to destroy me yet I continue to rise.
To everyone who has betrayed me with cruelty, judgement, or slander whether openly or behind my back, I see you. I always have and I always will.
Still, thank you with all of my heart. Without the roles that you played in my suffering I would not know this depth of joy in fighting to overcome, all of which has made me a person I am proud to love and honor.
It is truly the desire of my heart that those people find their way to understanding what it looks like to love and honor yourself.
I am reeling from the daily barrage of synchronicities and signs that prove my strength as a spiritually gifted healer as well as eliminating old voices of doubt.
The view from here looking back is indescribable and I wouldn’t change a thing.
V is 4 Voice 